Fuck it, lets go

I haven't posted in quite a while, pretty much because there' s been nothing to post except depressing news regarding the leg. Despite a ton of rest and physical therapy, it is not responding. It's quite painful walking around still, and I feel there is little chance of me completing the marathon. This had led my mind into a dark place, dwelling on the thoughts of not competing in the race I've been training for 6 months; and also its knock on effect on some of the XC races I had been hoping to do this winter. Added to that is a large amount of guilt having collected charitable donations with the likelihood of not running.

Last night I received an email from the charity I am raising for asking if anyone with a race number to donate it if they weren't planning on running to a team member who missed the application deadline. I slept on it, and decided to give up my number. Sent the email. Got a response. 2 people had beaten me to the punch. Is this a sign?? Got some more physio, felt some improvement, but given where the head was at I decided to see about deferring entry to next year. No dice. No refunds, no deferrals. Basically we've got your 100 yoyos, now fuck off.

This pissed me off to be honest. It's not my plan to be injured. I want to run. But €100 is a lot to me, and it annoyed me to think I'd pissed it up against a wall on a race I'm not running. I'd have been better pissing it up a wall getting, well, pissed. Now I'm thinking I have the number, lets use it.

The downsides.

Even if I am able to complete it, I'm looking at enduring (hopefully) almost 3 hours of quite severe pain.

I am likely to aggravate the injury further, risking participating in XC races.

Dropping out of a race is not something I want to do.

The upsides.

At least I can say I tried.

I may (delusional point coming up) 'get into my stride' and feel half decent/ride a 3 hour adrenaline kick and not feel the pain

Say a mental 'fuck you' to those bastards who wont let me defer.

Chances are I'm going to sway back and forth at least 4689 times between now and Monday. But right now the attitude is fuck it. In the words of Billy Crudup (a.k.a Pre) ' you don't know what it will do to me if I run, you know what it will do if I dont' or something like that, I havent seen the movie in about 8 years.